I can focus my camera lens, that's about it..

Yes yes, the last post was a shameless ploy to begger donations. But this one isn't.
This is just a rambling post that I felt I needed to make because my mind wouldn't shut up last night. Maybe if I tell it to someone else, my brain will stop discussing things with itself, and let me sleep. Well, that makes sense to me. Anyways...here's what's going on.

-Self doubt sucks. I love photography. I have a passion for it. I have a good eye. I learn techniques well. I'm always fasinated with it. I honestly believe that I take good pictures. But I feel I am missing the essential part of what it takes to be a photographer. That creative spark or an artist's soul. Example: My digital teacher wants us to do a tryptic *three pictures that relate to one another and are displayed side by side* that form a narrative...a story. I'm befuddled. What story can I tell? I've been thinking about this for about two weeks now and nothing. The only thing I can think of when I try to pin something down it "If I can't complete a simple assignment, what kind of photographer am I?"

-Being easily frazzled sucks. This semester has being a little laid back. Until this week. Yes, I knew that the tryptic is due on the 12th. And I knew I had a group presentation due that same day too...and I am the group leader of my group which is covering the legal aspect of the culture war. *Never tell your teacher you have stage fright and social anxiety because they seem to fell responsible in making you confront your fears.* Well, then comes jewelry class. When had 2 months on the last project, and this one, we've got two weeks. Yay. Another major thing due on the 12th. And I have a staff meeting I have to attend this Friday, so that cuts into my time to get this done. The next two weeks are going to be a nightmare.

-Dealing with money and patience sucks. I received a healthy sum from my tax return this year. I wanted to buy a Canon Eos 7D. The camera store I work on and off with says they'll see if they can get me a deal. That was about 2 months ago. Everytime I call or go in, the owner has been too busy to talk or isn't in the building at all. Which is so odd. Knowing him well enough, I know this isn't a personal slight, it's just how it is. If it isn't a customer he has to deal with RIGHT NOW, then it escapes his mind. It's frustrating though. The longer I wait, the more I dip into the money, the more family borrows, the less there is to get the camera. It's going to be tight. If my mom doesn't pay me back soon *She's got over a $1000 bucks owed right now*, the dream may not happen. I wanted to give my business to the camera store, because I love them, but if I had just bought online when I got the camera, I wouldn't be stressing over the money and the fact that I don't have a professional digital camera.

Despite this, I've been pretty cheery since last night, which is odd. I have a to-do list with all the steps I need to get my homework done in an orderly fashion. I just wish I had a bit of a social life to balance it all out. I'll work on some of it tonight. Probably my schedule for next semester. I'm still torn between full time or part time. Full time is more stressful, but part time might affect student loans and I won't be able to take any classes that might boost my career. Either way, it won't change my graduation date.

See...still rambling. I'm going to cut myself off here, because this is already tl;dr.

Blessed be, folks!

Walking for a cause...

Hi. Time for another post. Yes, I do believe it's due time. I'm currently on pins and needles as of late. A multitude of stresses have been wearing on me. School, self esteem, work, social life or lack there of. Etc. Do I need to go further? Perhaps in a later post. But right now everything is so jumbled I wouldn't know what I was saying about any of those things. I doubt highly they'd make sense.

So moving on to the proper topic of this post. I found a way to make me exercise. Spend money and support a cause. Yep. In about a month, I'll be walking a 5k. Hopefully! I signed up in December, when I was a little more enthusiastic for the 5k for Earth Day. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm also doing a Relay for Life in mid May. Here's a link to my Relay page: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/johannahabley It's amazing the donation I've already received. Yes, this money goes to cancer research, but there's a little belief in the back of my head that thinks that not only are the people who donate are supporting cancer research, but also me, in a way. That the donors believe that I can do this walk and that I can get healthy. Maybe it's a little selfish, but it keeps me going. Sometimes I doubt myself, and I need the occasional kick in the ass. Besides, it's for a good cause.

Click here for my page

Starting out...

I had a moment last night, while watching Biggest Loser. Yes, it's a reality show. I normally don't go for those things. But, while it's on the extreme and unrealistic scale of weight loss for the normal joe, it's nice to be able to relate with people and what they are going through while losing weight.

The part of the show last night that lead to me having that little twinge in your brain that screams "I want that!", in a non-materialistic way, was when the red team was looking over the hills. After treking up all that way, they were just taking a second to clear their minds. Justin is obviously emotional, and says something to the affect that he is "becoming the person he was meant to be".

I want that.

I feel that I've been very...passive...in the direction my life took in the past. It's time to change that. And this is what this blog will be about. It will be a personal blog about my path on changing myself to be who I want to be. I don't have a precise picture of exactly the person I want to be in an exact amount of time. But I do know that what I am doing now is not it. Yeah, there are some good points, and some steps I've already taken. But it's far from where I want to be.

Will there be pitfalls? Of course, which will probably be posted here in whiney annoying posts to vent. Will there be successes? Of course, which will be on here as well...probably in a estatic puppy, "don't know what's happening but it has to be good" type of energy. Will there be obscure references to something you might not understand? Of course, I'm a geek. But feel free to ask, and I will do my best to explain.

But this is a warning. I do use foul language at time, and I may put links up here stuff like my Relay for Life donation page, or for artist's webpages that inspire me but also have stuff to buy on it. If this offends you, consider yourself warned now. While my intention is to have people come on here and comment and *hopefully* be supportive, this is my personal evolution blog, so to say, and if I can't be myself, what's the point?

Anyways, as you can see, I can be a little verbose at times. I will tell you that this will probably be a common occurance, though for the sake of readership, I will try to tone it down.

In the end, welcome to my blog.