Terrified I don't even think cuts it...

In a week from now, I'll either be as proud as punch that I completed my first 5k, or I'll be dead.

I am beginning to think it's the later. I'm petrified.

With due reason. I just walked to the library which is just about 3/4 a mile in about 16 minutes. I'm exhausted. And it's just over a 5th of what I'll be walking in a week. I don't know. I really don't.

I'm really afraid.

Finding my footing...I wish...

I'm having a bit of a tough time right now. Yesterday was the peak of stress for the 3 major homework assignments I'd been working on for the past week. And now that it's all over and not vying for my attention anymore, I feel like I'm not grounded. I'm swamped and there's nothing under my feet. There are so many issues on my mind right now, and I am having so much trouble sorting through it. That's why I'm writing this entry. Just so you know it's going to be a long one. I feel if I write it out, I can maybe feel like I've sorted it in some way.

First thing that hit me this morning was needing to weigh in for the start of the BLC16. I weighed myself this morning, after going to the washroom and I was 245.2. My heart dropped. I'm 2 pounds short from where I started form at 247. I was down to 232 at one point...and I promised myself that I'd never go back to that. Needless to say, I'm upset. I had been so proud of the direction I was going. Why do I have to let myself down like this?

Secondly, I'm already thinking of final projects. Oi. No break here. I'm a little ahead of the game for Digital. I've done the proposal. I thought it was due this week, but it's actually due next week. I'm going to tweak it some after talking to the teacher, but yeah. I'm going to do the grittier side of where I grew up/live right now. There's a mentality in Chicago that unless you live in Chicago proper, you aren't really a Chicagoian. That because you live in the burbs, you have a comfier life in the shadow of the grittiness of Chicago. That the burbs are not like Chicago at all. That suburbians live in a protected bubble. So yeah. This is going to be a lot of traveling on my own. I'm making a list of where I want to go, but I really wish I had someone to go with me. At least for some of it. Someone to talk to.

Another thing is the house is pretty much falling apart. Ma's still on bedrest after her fall last week. Dad still doesn't want to do jack shit. And I've been so busy with school. My laundry is in desperate need of washing. I so need to clean the piles growing. The litter boxes need a full change and clean *Sis has the car, which has the new litter in it*. There's just so much to do.

I signed up for the 5K for Earth Day in December. It's coming up and I don't think I can complete it. Just walking to work the last couple of days has been torturous. I don't have the upbeat attitude right now. I set a goal that if I could finish it under an hour, I'd get myself a gym membership. But right now I don't see that happening. I wanted to prove to myself that the gym membership would be worth it, as long as I could accomplish this one thing.

I believe I mentioned that my Ma feel down the stairs at a friend's house the other day. She's doing well, saw the doctor yesterday. No CT scan needed...she's doing that much better. But Ma is still on bed rest, which is understandable. Ma's just not taking it well. She's not as snappy as she was, but she's still morose. And I know I can't do anything about it, even though I've made that acknowledgment, it still hurts that I can't help.

Etsy. I want to get a store off the ground, but when do I have the time? I'd love the more income and I'd love to be able to craft...but when?? Ugh


So yeah. That's where I'm at. Did anybody actually read all that? :P

Envious

New news: Ma fell down the stairs at a friend's house, so she was in the ER last night. I left work early and also didn't go to class today. She stayed over night, looks like shit, but she's talking, walking and as sarcastic as ever. I'm still worried. The words that talked ma into staying overnight for observation scared me...I can't imagine any good way to take "Delayed bleeding". But being that our family uses humor to joke our way out of uncomfortable situations, I told her she was going to take classes at the gym below when she gets better, so she can fall with style.



Honestly, though, I'm envious of these people. If I ever can get to lose enough weight I would like to try my hand at this...even if I am a decade older then most of the people that do this.